


Failure to Launch

by Psychodelicate



Category: Digimon - All Media Types, Digimon Adventure
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Friends as Family, Gay Male Character, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Questioning Male Character, Self-Esteem Issues, Teenage Drama, Teenagers are Jerks, Teenagers are sweethearts, Vomit, anxiety disorders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25317430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Psychodelicate/pseuds/Psychodelicate
Summary: Jou's truly awful at physics. And it might not be the only thing he's awful at.Also he might not be alone in his inability to function rationally.
Relationships: Ishida Yamato | Matt Ishida & Takaishi Takeru | T.K. Takaishi, Ishida Yamato | Matt Ishida & Takenouchi Sora, Ishida Yamato | Matt Ishida & Yagami Taichi | Tai Kamiya, Ishida Yamato | Matt Ishida/Kido Jou | Joe Kido, Kido Jou | Joe Kido & Tachikawa Mimi, Kido Jou | Joe Kido & Takanouchi Sora
Comments: 22
Kudos: 40





	1. Failure to Communicate

**Author's Note:**

> Yamato and Jou always seemed like the most logical relationship to me when I was watching Digimon twenty years ago. So I thought I should finally explore how they might get together.
> 
> For the purposes of this particular piece of fiction, I have all of the older Digidestined at school together. It's taking place when Yamato is a high school second year and Jou is a third year.

Jou was, as always, cramming for his next series of exams. He only had a month left before midterms and he already felt as though he was drowning in textbooks and flash cards and practice quizzes. He did not understand how he could be only just over a month into the term and already drowning.

In fact, he had jumped up and wailed about that in the cafeteria during lunch hour today, causing almost every student present to stare up at him. Most of his friends had been struggling to hold in their own laughter—Taichi hadn’t bothered. Yamato though, had roughly tugged him back into his seat. The blond boy’s face had been bright red from second-hand embarrassment, and he had mumbled an offer to study with Jou if he would just “ _stop making a spectacle._ ”

Which is what found the pair of them crowded into Jou’s room and surrounded by textbooks. Jou was slumped over his desk and muttering equations under his breath, frantically flipping to the back of his book to check his answers and growing increasingly frustrated by his inability to understand physics.

Yamato, by contrast, was quiet as a mouse behind him. He had settled his narrow body into the space between the foot of his bed and his dresser. A quick glance behind him confirmed that the blond looked like he was easily zipping through the same problem set, barely pausing to think as he filled in complicated solutions.

Jou let out another wail of anguish.

“Jou?”

Yamato’s voice was soft and he sounded concerned. That made the whole situation even worse. Someone who should have been his junior was taking care of him and had been doing so since they were just idiot kids who had been sucked into the digital world.

Jou groaned and dropped his head to his desk, groaning.

“You sound like you need a break,” Yamato stated delicately.

“I have to study,” Jou replied, glaring down at his homework.

“Part of that is taking breaks so you can absorb the information,” he replied logically.

Thin, insistent fingers carefully tugged Jou back up into a sitting position before setting his workbook neatly aside and closing his textbooks.

“Fine,” Jou muttered, grumpy. “Now what?”

“I thought I was supposed to be the moody one,” Yamato replied pointedly.

Jou sighed and looked over at his friend properly, “sorry.”

“Let’s get some fresh air, I think you could use it.”

Jou grumbled some more but eventually let his friend thrust a jacket at him and tug him out into the brisk autumn air. It took a few minutes before Jou realized that neither of them had spoken a word as they walked sluggishly away from his apartment building.

“I’m a killjoy, sorry.”

“Usually that’s me,” Yamato replied lightly, shooting Jou a little smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Sure…”

“I uh… finished my work. Do you want my help?” Yamato’s face was steadily growing pinker. “I’m pretty good at physics…”

Jou looked at him properly, raising an incredulous eyebrow at him. It was a gross understatement. Yamato was a grade behind him in school, but he had been so good at Math and Physics—and disruptive in class due to sheer boredom—that he’d been pushed ahead in those courses.

“Shut up,” he snapped, turning his gaze stubbornly forward.

Jou sighed heavily, it was probably time to swallow the little pride that he had left. At least Yamato was in his class, even if he was younger. It was certainly a better option than asking Koushiro for help… again.

“I could use the help,” he muttered, “if you’re willing.”

“I don’t offer to do things I don’t want to do,” Yamato replied easily.

“Liar,” Jou replied, bumping his shoulder companionably against Yamato’s.

Yamato was a poster child for self sacrifice and everyone who had ever spent five minutes with him knew it. Two minutes if they saw him interact with his little brother or Gabumon.

“I’m willing,” he replied, “you’re fun to be around when you’re not wailing in anguish.”

Jou was so taken-aback he stopped walking. After a moment, Yamato turned around to face him, frowning.

“You think I’m fun to be around?” Jou asked in a rush of breath.

“When you’re not making a spectacle,” Yamato agreed, smirking a little, “sure.”

That simple, off-hand comment had kept Jou feeling light and warm even as they began studying, crunched shoulder to shoulder on Jou’s narrow bed. Yamato, as it turned out, was a patient tutor. He refused to give Jou any of the answers, and gently guided him towards the problems in his solutions. And he absolutely beamed at him when he got the problems right.

“You’re pretty good at this,” Jou commented after he had finished the last problem for the night.

“You’re a better student than Taichi,” he replied as he gathered up his belongings. “He keeps trying to pay me to just do the work for him.”

Jou let out a sharp bark of laughter at that, “and do you?”

“Not yet,” Yamato replied with a smirk of his own. “Tempting though.”

Jou just shook his head.

“Tomorrow then?” Yamato suggested, slinging his bookbag over his shoulder.

Jou blinked, “tomorrow’s Friday.”

“Yeah.”

“Isn't that your date night? Don’t you have a date?” Jou demanded, wide eyed.

It was no secret that Yamato was by far the most popular guy at school, whether he liked it or not. It was something to do with his ridiculously blue eyes and rising rock god status. Jou was quite sure he had seen no less than three young women confess to Yamato in the past week alone.

“Not unless you’re offering.”

Jou scoffed at that, “Right. Like _you’d_ want to spend your date night with _me_?”

“S-sure,” a blush spread quickly across the blond’s pale face. “There’s a… a new space exhibit at the Emerging Science Museum?”

Jou just stared at him. He could not possibly have heard what he thought he had just heard. There was zero chance in any world real, digital or imaginary that Ishida Yamato had suggested they go on a date. It just wasn't a possibility that Jou should even be considering.

Yamato dropped his gaze, “never mind then.”

Jou was stuck where he was. He opened his mouth to speak, but he could not manage to say anything.

“See you at school,” Yamato whispered, striding quickly out of the room.

A moment later Jou heard the main door to his apartment quietly open and close.

“What just happened?” he asked the empty apartment.


	2. Collision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jou has no idea what's going on or how to get there, but he's pretty sure he'll find a way to mess it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore Mimi. And so does Jou. Yamato is one of the ghosts he hates so much.

Jou could not pretend to be surprised that the only times he saw Yamato the following day were in classes. He was nowhere to be found in the morning by their shoe lockers. He had not managed to catch him in any hall during the day, not even in the music wing. And he just did not appear for lunch.

Jou had tried to catch him at the end of their physics class but Yamato had offered him a curt nod and slipped away out of the classroom and escaped down the hall before Jou could even figure out which direction he’d headed off in.

He was not a hundred percent clear on exactly what he had done wrong last night. But something was clearly off.

_Did I accidentally ask Yamato on a date and freak him out?_

_Did he accidentally ask me on a date and freak himself out?_

_Was he just joking around with me and I awkwarded us both into freaking out about it?_

Joe thumped hard into something less solid than a wall, and more solid than the air he had been walking through just a moment ago.

_Did he just ask me out?_

“Jou!”

That high pitched voice of accusation could belong only to Mimi. Jou winced and offered his hand down to help her up before dropping to his knees to gather up the books he had caused her to drop.

_Though if she had been paying attention to her own surroundings…_

“Sorry Mimi,” he replied, climbing awkwardly to his feet with an armful of books. “Are you alright?”

“I’m good,” she chirped, already having forgotten their upsetting collision. “What were _you_ thinking about, Jou?”

It had not escaped Jou’s notice that she was making no move to take back her books. Typical Mimi. He supposed since he had knocked her down than he could allow such presumptiveness. Also, he was hardly about to do something as self-respecting as stand up for himself.

“Oh… nothing really. Just classwork,” he replied vaguely.

Mimi huffed at that, “you and Yamato are peas in a pod, nothing in either of your heads but air.”

Jou, kindly, did not point out that this was most people’s impression of Mimi.

“Oh?” he asked, feigning vague interest.

“He’s been in a fog all day,” she drawled gently taking him by the elbow and starting to lead him back the way he had come. “Sora said she could hear his teacher scolding him from the next classroom over. Apparently, he didn’t even get mad about it! Do you think he’s sick?”

It was exactly like Mimi to switch mid-breath from sharing juicy gossip to being concerned about a friend.

“I’m sure he’s fine. Probably just worried about the same physics exam I am. I’m going to have to study all weekend,” he muttered glumly.

“Please,” Mimi rolled her eyes. “That boy has never studied for a test in his life.”

“And gets straight A’s,” Jou grumbled, frustrated and not just a little bit jealous.

Mimi gave his arm a squeeze.

“Where are you taking me?” he asked finally.

“Well…” Mimi twirled a lock of hair around her finger. “I was on my way to cheerleading practice when you bumped into me and I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to introduce you to Hime—”

“No!” Jou yelped.

“But Jou! Himeko’s really lovely and perfect for you! She’s drop-dead gorgeous and she’s in your year and she wants to be a psychiatrist! You couldn’t ask for a better match for you!”

“I don’t want a match!” he yelped, voice cracking badly.

“But Jou! I’ve already told her all about y—”

“No!” Jou stopped in his tracks. “No set ups!”

Mimi pouted at him, forcing her lower lip to tremble.

“No,” he started as firmly as he could manage. “I have no time for myself, never mind anyone else. Tell her I’m sorry but—wait… did you bump into me _on purpose_?!”

She had the sense to blush at least.

“Mimi you’re incorrigible!”

She pouted at him again.

“Take your books.”

“Jou!”

“Mimi,” he held out the books for her.

She huffed as she took the textbooks away from him, “you’re no fun at all, Jou.”

_You think I’m fun to be around?_

_When you’re not making a spectacle, sure._

“Have fun at practice, Mimi.”

She huffed again, but she did offer him a little wave as she continued down the hall towards the gymnasium. That was close as he would get to an apology from her.

Jou’s shoulders slumped with relief. He loved Mimi like a sister, but she was exhausting to be around at the best of times and a nightmare to deal with if she thought she had your best interests at heart.

He stepped to the side to avoid causing anymore mayhem as he tugged out his cellphone. He had exactly two text messages to review. One was from his mother asking him to pick up eggs on the way home. The other was from Sora asking if he was feeling okay because he had seemed a little dazed at lunch and wanting to know if he’d like her to bring over some soup tonight.

‘YOU’RE TOO NICE. I’M FINE.

Sora’s response was almost instantaneous.

OKAY, IF YOU’RE SURE. LET ME KNOW IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND!

_She’s going to care herself to death._

He frowned, scrolling through his other text conversations. His last message from Yamato was almost two weeks old, and it was just him providing the page numbers for a physics problem set after Jou had unfortunately spilled the soup from his lunch all over his notes.

~~I’M SORRY.~~

That didn’t work, he didn’t even know if he had anything to be sorry about. And knowing Yamato he’d get called out on it.

~~STUDYING TONIGHT?~~

No, that was too big a can of worms right now. Maybe. Jou wasn’t sure he was ready to deal with that kind of awkward. And Yamato had probably made other plans by now. And it would also be agreeing to a date. Maybe.

HEY.

He sighed and sent the text. It was probably the best he was going to be able to manage.


	3. A Change in Vector

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To the surprise of no one, Yamato tries to shut right down.
> 
> To the surprise of no one, Taichi is a kind-hearted goofball who won't let him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yamato is a mess of a human being. Taichi is a whole different fun kind of mess.

Yamato grunted in surprise as he was roughly tugged backwards by his elbow.

“What the fuck?!” he clenched his fists, turning to glower at whomever had had the audacity to grab him like that.

It was Taichi. And the idiot was grinning at him.

“How about a little gratitude, space cadet?” Taichi shook his head. “I just saved your life?”

“Huh?”

“Stairs, genius,” Taichi replied with a snort, gesturing at the wide stairs just a foot away from them.

“Oh.” He unclenched his fists and let his arms drop to his sides. “Uh… thanks.”

Taichi frowned and pressed the back of his hand to Yamato’s forehead, “do you have _another_ fever?”

“Knock it off,” he scowled, knocking the other boy’s hand away. “I’m not sick.”

“Did you see a _ghoooooost_?”

If Yamato had had access to Gabumon’s incendiary powers the other boy’s hair would have immediately caught fire. And it would also have certainly been an improvement over the current bird’s nest the other boy was sporting.

“Fuck off, Taichi.”

There were a few teachers just down the hall that turned sharp, disapproving eyes on the two boys. Yamato scowled and quickly started trotting down the stairs. Taichi was, unfortunately, right behind him.

Yamato longed for the days when he could throw a punch that would throw Taichi right off his feet and off his case. But Taichi was in great shape from his focus on athletics, and Yamato had made a conscious decision to be… a twig.

“C’mon Yama! Don’t be like that!”

“Don’t call me that,” he snapped.

He did still have a height and reach advantage on Taichi… but no, still a bad plan. An even worse idea considering they were still on school grounds. He’d be suspended for sure due to his less than stellar track record with peacefully resolving conflicts. Taichi, the varsity soccer golden boy, would skate by with a slap on the wrist.

_Fuck him and his perfect life._

“C’mon, Yamato, what’s wrong?” Taichi’s voice was insufferably soft and concerned.

Yamato attempted to turn his best glare on Taichi. It was the one that had made Takeru cry when they were children, and the one he could use to send underclassmen scuttling away like terrified cockroaches.

Taichi, unfortunately, continued to be immune to his powers.

“Were you awful to someone else? Or were they awful to you?”

Yamato paused at the bottom of the stairs, looking at Taichi with surprise.

The other boy poked him in the chest, “you’re always the prickliest when you’re really just sad.”

“Shut up,” he replied automatically.

_Which is it? Was I awful? Or was he?_

He frowned, that wasn’t a real question. Jou didn’t have a mean bone in his body. He’d never been anything but kind and patient with Yamato. And Yamato had never deserved any of it.

And Jou certainly hadn’t broken that trend last night. It was Yamato who’d invaded his space and offered his help to his senior. That had probably made him feel awkward and vulnerable to start with.

_Why don’t I ever think?!_

And then Yamato had gone and just obliterated the tenuous bubble of their friendship with a just a few words. That would teach him to never take risks again.

He hadn’t ever said a word to Taichi.

Or Koji.

Of course, the one time he had gotten up the courage to suggest anything at all it had to be with his jumpiest and most panic prone friend.

_I was the awful one._

“Yamato?”

_Of course, I was. It’s always me. How could I even **think** it was him?_

“Yama?”

_I really am the worst friend. I’ll be lucky if he ever wants to talk to me again._

There was a sudden sharp pain in his forehead. Taichi had flicked him, hard.

“Taichi!”

Taichi laughed, clearly amused, “you keep getting lost in your own head.”

The sound that forced itself out of Yamato’s throat was not a growl because he was not an animal. It was however, a fairly accurate impersonation of Garurumon. Taichi, wisely, took a half step back and Yamato managed to take a breath for what felt like the first time in hours.

“What do you want?” he muttered, after a few moments.

The other boy just shrugged, “I was worried about you.”

Yamato jerked his head up, meeting Taichi’s gaze with an alarmed look of his own.

“You’ve been acting… off. And you skipped lunch, again,” he rolled his eyes and held up his phone, wiggling the little device at Yamato. “And you’ve been ignoring me all day.”

Yamato frowned and tugged out his phone. He kept it on silent during the day to avoid it being confiscated, but he usually checked it between classes. Apparently, he’d failed to do so today.

Two messages from Sora, one from both Koushiro and Mimi, four from Takeru.

And thirty-eight from Taichi.

“Stalker much?” he looked briefly up at his self-proclaimed best friend before turning his attention back to the increasingly irritating series of texts.

FREE TONIGHT? LET’S STUDY!

ARE YOU ALIVE?

DID YOU FAINT LIKE A GIRL?

I CAN HEAR YOUR TEACHER YELLING AT YOU. WHAT DID YOU DO?!

DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?

“You’re a delicate flower,” Taichi replied cheerfully. “I had to make sure you were still alive.”

Yamato turned his most withering glare on his best friend. Taichi, insufferably, continued to be immune.

“So… are you free tonight?” he grinned. “Mom and Dad are out of town so you don’t have to suffer through her cooking, and Hikari’s off with Miyako and Takeru so… we can study. And not study.”

Yamato frowned, “you want me to cook, don’t you?”

Taichi had the grace, at least, to look embarrassed.

“Fine,” he muttered. “I’m not shopping though, buy your own ingredients. I’ll come over at six.”

Taichi let out a whoop of victory and pulled Yamato into a just short of bone crushing hug before releasing him and darting off towards the exit.

Yamato sagged in relief and leaned back against the staircase bannister to catch his breath. His phone buzzed in his hand and he flipped it back open.

HEY.

Yamato’s breath caught in his throat and he snapped his phone closed again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've always thought of Yamato as being excellent at self-destructive behaviour, whether it's mental or physical so... there's that.
> 
> Koji and Kentaro are his bandmates.


	4. Fluctuating Variables

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cooking is supposed to be good for the soul. Apparently.
> 
> In which Taichi is either the worst or the best friend, and Yamato is just done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taichi is the kind of person who bullies his way into friendship. This chapter is a little longer, Taichi didn't want to shut up.

Yamato was standing outside of Taichi’s apartment at 5:57 PM exactly.

“ _Being punctual is another way you can show your friends you respect them and their time, and that you’re someone they can rely on.”_

It was something Jou had mentioned once while they were waiting around for the others in middle school. It had struck a chord. Yamato had never been one for words and speeches, but this… this was something he could handle.

He glanced down at his phone again. The single word message from Jou, HEY, was still just sitting there. He had yet to reply. How was he supposed to reply to something so innocuous?

_This would be easier if he sounded mad._

Of course, even if Jou was mad, he wouldn’t do something so classless as fighting with him through text messages. That was more of a Taichi or Takeru thing.

His phone buzzed again, and he bit his lip as he flicked it open, fearing the worst. But it was just his little brother, begging for help with his math homework. He was typing out a response to Takeru when Taichi abruptly flung the door open.

“Have you just been standing out here until it was six?” Taichi asked, not bothering to fight down the amused grin on his face.

Yamato rolled his eyes, “texting with Takeru.”

“Right,” Taichi snickered, letting him into the apartment.

“What am I making you?” Yamato asked as he slipped off his shoes.

“Oh uh… well, I got ingredients. I think. I think they’re ingredients,” Taichi began awkwardly. “They’re in the kitchen. I mean… obviously they’re in the kitchen. I just… don’t know what you could make with them. Normally Hikari and mom do the shopping so… well, and the cooking…”

Yamato crossed his arms over his chest, waiting.

_If he makes another crack about me being a good wife…_

“I was hoping we could make something that I could save a bit of for Hikari and dad, since they’re always suffering through mom’s cooking too…”

He nodded, still waiting.

“Maybe we could do a cake?”

Yamato blinked at him. “…for dinner?”

“No!” Taichi protested quickly. “I thought maybe it could bake while we… err… _you_ make ramen or stir fry or something? Those don’t need the oven… right?”

“You’re hopeless.”

“I know.”

“Did you get flour?”

Taichi nodded and hopped up, eagerly bouncing around the kitchen to grab the ingredients that Yamato requested. Some of them clearly hadn’t been the ones Taichi had purchased for tonight, but it was none of Yamato’s business if he wanted to risk pissing off his parents.

Not that Yamato had any experience of his own with such a thing.

He did all the shopping for he and his father, and his father unquestioningly ate whatever Yamato deigned to cook. And he saw his own mother so infrequently that it wasn’t worth a second thought. Which, of course, meant it was what he was stuck on.

_Would she eat my cooking? Or just be angry that I enjoy something so feminine? Or just pissed that dad was home so infrequently that I had to learn? She wouldn’t care about that. She never liked me much anyway._

He calmly cracked a pair of eggs into the mixing bowl.

_She’d probably be angry if she knew Takeru had to eat my cooking when he visits. I’ll have to ask Takeru if she knows…_

It didn’t matter that he was good at cooking. Or that he had briefly considered culinary schools as the next stage in his education. That would _never_ be acceptable to her, maybe not to his father either. They probably weren’t even going to be happy that he was looking into science and music programs instead of Japanese or communications. They were both journalists, and it looked like Takeru was leaning that way too.

_Why am I always the odd one out? What’s wrong with me?_

“Yamato?”

_I wish I were normal._

He all but jumped out of his skin when a hand clapped down firmly on his shoulder. He spun around, yanking himself out of Taichi’s grip and holding a batter covered spatula in front of him to keep the other boy at bay. He could feel his own heart pounding so hard against his ribcage that he was amazed it hadn’t yet escaped. His lungs were refusing to inflate.

Taichi carefully tugged the spatula away from him, tossing it casually away into the sink.

“Are you alright?” Taichi asked, frowning. “You put the cake in the oven, but you’ve just been staring into space for the last couple of minutes. Did you hear me calling you?”

Yamato finally drew in a shaky breath and shook his head.

“Oh. You’re going to faint.”

The way he said it was so matter of fact that Yamato almost believed him. Taichi grabbed him by the shoulders and started steering him out to the living room, heading towards the couch.

“You need to sit before—”

“I’m fine,” Yamato interrupted, trying to shake the other boy off. “Stop grabbing at me.”

“But—”

“I’m _fine_.”

His heart was still hammering in his chest but that happened so often it wasn’t something he was overly worried about. He could breathe again at least. That was all that mattered.

“Yama-chan—”

“Don’t call me that!”

He took a large step back from Taichi and crossed his arms tightly across his chest, trying to keep himself from shaking. Or at least trying to make it less obvious that he was shaking. Taichi was still looking at him like he was going to fracture into a thousand tiny shards of glass if he moved in the wrong way.

“How much do you want?”

“Eh?”

Yamato stepped around Taichi, heading back towards the kitchen.

“Food. How much food do you want?” he asked again, uncrossing his arms. He fetched a wok from the cupboard. “How much can you eat?”

Taichi was frowning as he reluctantly settled at the counter, “you don’t have to—”

For once, Yamato’s withering glare appeared to have an effect on his friend.

“I usually have two or three plates when we have stir-fry,” Taichi admitted. “Hikari and Dad are the same way. I think that’s why mom never wants to make it.”

“I don’t blame her.”

He sighed quietly and dumped what he considered an obscene amount of rice into the rice cooker. Ideally, he would have done that before he even started the cake, but he hadn’t been thinking straight since last night.

And that innocent little ‘HEY’ was still sitting unanswered on his phone.

“Are you going to tell me what has you so upset?” Taichi asked after neither of them had spoken for a several minutes.

“Taichi…”

“Something’s obviously wrong, Yamato. You’ve always been kinda weird,” he drawled, causing Yamato to scowl at him. “But you’re not usually this completely out of it. At least not since you and Sora broke up.”

He let out a mirthless laugh at that.

“What?”

“Sora and I never broke up, because we were never together,” he stated firmly, glowering at the rice cooker. “It was a misunderstanding.”

Taichi was looking up at him, so wide-eyed it almost looked like he was wearing his goggles again.

“She thought we were dating, and I thought we were friends, and when she tried to kiss me and I shoved her away that pretty much solved that,” he muttered. “And so, everyone thinks I’m some kind of _monster_ for leading her on and breaking her heart, but I didn’t do anything.”

He was still scowling as he removed the rice from the cooker and set it aside while he prepared the wok.

“Then umm… why were you so out of it?”

“Because everyone was treating me like shit for apparently breaking the heart of the chosen child of _love_ ,” he muttered. “And Sora wasn’t exactly defending me, was she?”

Taichi shook his head mutely, a faint blush blooming across his nose. He’d been the worst of the lot of them.

“Sorry?” Taichi offered awkwardly.

Yamato just shrugged and pulled the cake out of the oven, setting it aside to cool while he began chopping vegetables.

“So… what is it this time?”

“You’re not going to stop asking me, are you?”

Taichi grinned at him, “I am prepared to get Takeru on board to ask you.”

Yamato glowered at him.

“Go on, maybe I can help.”

He turned his attention down to the peppers he was currently chopping, “I said something stupid to Jou. And I don’t know how to apologize. Or if I need to.”

Taichi laughed, “it’s fine then. Jou will be over it by Monday. Hell, he’ll probably end up apologizing to you for it!”

_Oh gods… he probably will. I can’t let him do that. He hasn’t done anything._

“Not all of us treat our friends like dirt, Taichi!” He grabbed a garlic clove to start crushing. “I don’t want him to apologize to me when he hasn’t even done anything wrong.”

“What could you have possible said that was so wrong?”

Yamato didn’t answer.

“Did you tell him you hate doctors?”

He started slicing up an onion. He was too angry to even remember to flip the onion over to reduce the chemical exposure. It didn’t matter, he usually cried when he got angry anyway.

“Did you tell him his mom was hot? Because Kido-san looks way too young to have a kid Jou’s age, never mind two in college. She’s pretty foxy.”

He grabbed a carrot this time, focusing on not chopping his own fingers off as he sliced it into the thinnest pieces he could manage.

“Did you tell him he was bad at physics? He can be pretty sensitive about this schoolwork, you know.”

He started tossing vegetables into the wok.

“Did you—”

“I asked him on a date,” Yamato snapped, finally. “And the answer was obviously no. And now I have no idea what to do.”

Taichi’s eyes were goggle big again, “oh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yamato is definitely the kind of person who has pretty bad anxiety and panic attacks without having a single clue what they are.
> 
> Also, cat's out of the bag.
> 
> For the record, I do not consider cooking to be either feminine or masculine in nature. This is something I have gleaned from slice of life animes, and some comments made in Digimon as well.
> 
> Also, I adore Sora. Natsuko however...


	5. Changing Course

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jou is still abysmal at physics. And now at receiving apologies too.
> 
> In which Jou's foot lives permanently in his mouth and Yamato's attempts to function just keep blowing up in his face.

Jou had never received a reply to his text message.

He’d managed to avoid sending a thousand follow-up texts about it over the weekend as he thrust himself into studying for physics and biology and English and wishing more than once that he had simply agreed to the Friday night study session instead of just staring blankly at one of his closest friends like a dead fish.

_I should have at least had the decency to say no. That was so rude. No wonder he doesn’t even want to talk to me._

So, it was with no surprise that he didn’t see Yamato at their shoe lockers before school. He wasn’t with Taichi or Sora and he didn’t see him anywhere in the second-year hall that he might have deliberately walked down just to try and find him. Even poking his head into Yamato’s classroom before the first bell was fruitless.

_Maybe he’s sick._

Yamato tended to catch every bug that went through the school, and he came down with more fevers and colds than anyone except maybe Hikari. Taichi teased him mercilessly about it. And Sora, despite their history, was constantly fretting over him.

And then there was Takeru.

Takeru was a sweet kid, but Jou wouldn’t wish him on his worst enemy.

Yamato had been overprotective of Takeru during their adventures in the digital world, throwing himself into harm’s way if there was even a chance it would keep Takeru safe. But as it turned out, that was _nothing_ compared to how Takeru treated his big brother. Overprotective was very much an understatement. And Takeru wasn’t particular about whether the harm he was protecting his brother from was physical or mental. A shove, punch, threat, insult… they were all worthy of retaliation.

And Yamato might have been like a dog when he got angry. He growled, he warned and threatened, he snapped. And if all of that didn’t work, then he might get violent or he might just run away. But if that was the case then Takeru, by contrast, was a cat. He was cheerful, unassuming, and liable to sink his teeth and claws into you without you even realizing until afterwards that you had even done anything wrong. He wouldn’t feel even a shred of guilt about it.

And his right hook was nothing to laugh at. Taichi had learned that the hard way.

It should have been ridiculous, a middle schooler protecting his high school brother. But it wasn’t.

_I hope he didn’t tell Takeru that I was a jerk._

And yes, he was aware that it was pathetic to be afraid of a middle school student.

“Jou-sempai?”

Jou looked up, startled.

It hadn’t occurred to him, whilst he was searching elsewhere, that Yamato might be looking for _him_.

The younger boy was standing just outside of Jou’s classroom, looking quietly up at him. He was wearing the full uniform for once, sweater vest and all. His blazer was buttoned and even his tie was properly tightened for once. He looked studious and serious.

His hair though, too long, blond and falling into his eyes ruined the effect somewhat. Somehow, that wasn’t a bad thing.

“Yamato,” he greeted him, relieved. “I was looking for—”

Jou’s words fled him when one of his oldest friends _bowed_ to him.

“I want to apologize for my behaviour,” Yamato began softly, his deep voice just barely audible. “It was not my intention to make you uncomfortable.”

“Yamato,” Jou began awkwardly, “I…”

People in the hall were turning to stare at them. Jou might have been an anonymous nobody. But Yamato wasn’t. And it certainly wasn’t everyday that you saw popular rock gods bowing to awkward geeks just before first period. The only saving grace to this awkward situation was that Yamato’s deep, quiet voice wasn’t likely to carry the way anyone else’s might have. Well, that and the fact that he was very carefully avoiding mentioning what he was apologizing for. Jou was extremely grateful for that.

“I won’t… I won’t suggest anything like that again,” he continued. “I…”

Jou could sense more than see the way his friend was blinking rapidly behind the curtain of his hair, could almost feel the other boy swallowing around the nerves.

“Please accept my apology,” Yamato finally managed to say, chancing a glance up at Jou.

“There’s nothing to apologize for,” Jou muttered, his own face beet red.

He was sure, as the other boy slowly straightened up, that if Yamato hadn’t been so pale from nerves that the other boy would have been just as red.

He blustered onward, trying to diffuse the situation as well as he knew how.

“It was just a misunderstanding right?” Jou laughed, reached up to rub at the back of his neck. “I’m sure you were just trying to joke around with me, right?”

What little colour had been in Yamato’s face drained away. He looked like he’d been slapped.

“Joke,” he stated a moment later. “Right.”

_Shit._

“Yamato…”

The other boy offered him a quick half-bow and plastered on the single fakest smile Jou had ever witnessed.

“See you in class, Jou-sempai.”

Jou didn’t manage to get out another word before the blond all but ran off down the hall, disappearing around a corner in mere seconds.

_Not a joke then. Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter took me almost a week to write, but this one just flowed right out of me.
> 
> I think I might secretly be Jou.
> 
> Feels like Takeru might have to make an appearance soon... guess we'll see.


	6. Critical System Malfunction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamato's thoughts spiral dangerously.
> 
> Sora tries and Jou finally notices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for physical symptoms of anxiety including vomiting.

Yamato had somehow made it through his first class of the day on autopilot. He had also somehow broken a pen at some point while taking notes and there was blue ink splattered all over the sleeve of his blazer. His father would be upset if they needed to buy a new jacket because they couldn’t get the ink out of this one, but he had somehow survived the class without his thoughts spiralling away from him.

In his second class of the day he’d been called on by the teacher and gotten the answer so abysmally wrong – he’d answered in _French_ during his English seminar – that he’d been asked if he had a fever and if he wanted to see the nurse while his classmates had burst into peels of laughter. Some simply amused, and some clearly pleased to not be shown up by him for once.

He couldn’t even recall what excuse he’d given his teacher. It must have been something plausible since he hadn’t been immediately sent off to the nurse. Or given detention.

He’d slipped out just after second period ended. His heart had begun hammering painfully in his chest again and taking a full breath was becoming a chore.

_What is wrong with me?_

He pressed his hand firmly against his chest as he made his way down the hall in a futile attempt to try and calm his racing heart.

_It’s just rejection. It happens to everyone._

He saw a flash of red hair and a concerned gaze moving towards him out of the corner of his eye. He picked up speed, his breath coming even more harshly as he moved down the hall. He could not deal with Sora right now.

He wasn’t even dealing all that well with breathing right now.

_I’ve turned away dozens of girls and they didn’t break down like this. Did they?_

Of course, he also hadn’t written any of them off as a **joke** either.

_“You were just trying to joke around with me, right?”_

“Yamato-kun?”

Sora had followed him.

_Shit_.

Yamato feigned that he hadn’t heard her and hurried into the boys’ bathroom.

The sudden change in lighting and the harsh smell of disinfectants was too much all at once and just moments later he was sequestered in the large handicapped stall, kneeling over a toilet bowl, and spitting up clear bile.

_I haven’t missed school in a while, dad probably wouldn’t be too mad if I went home sick._

He heaved again, black spots dancing in his vision.

_As long as dinner’s ready on time, he probably wouldn’t even notice. I can pick up something on the way home and just get it over with. It doesn’t have to be fancy every night…_

His hair was hanging in his face and matted to his cheeks. He pushed all of it back in annoyance.

… _there’s a math test this afternoon. I’ll need a doctor’s note, or I won’t be able to retake it later. And my grade will suffer, and they might bump me back down to year two…_

He heaved again, but little more than saliva came up.

_That would look awful to any of the universities I apply to. I can’t do that. And if I have to get a note dad might worry and that’s not fair to him, he’s got enough going on at the TV station. Home is supposed to be a break from worries for him…_

His eyes were burning, and he couldn’t seem to rid himself of the little black dots in his vision.

_And he might ask me what’s wrong? What am I supposed to tell him?_

He could hear footsteps outside of his stall. Hopefully, whoever was out there would mind their own goddamned business.

_I can’t tell him the truth… that I can barely breathe or think… he might notice that I don’t eat… then he’d have me committed. Mom really would disown me for real then… She’d never let Takeru see me again._

“Yamato-kun?”

_Gods, why am I so weak?_

His stomach betrayed him at exactly that moment, and he heaved again but only managed to spit up more bile.

_Why can’t I be normal?_

“Yamato!”

There were suddenly strong, warm fingers against the sides of his face and gathering his long hair away from his face, holding it back for him as heaved ineffectually over the toilet. Nothing was coming up at all, but he was still retching, and it was painful.

_Please leave. Please leave. Please leave._

A minute or two later Yamato was finally able to slump against the wall of the stall, shaking just slightly.

“Are you alright?” Sora asked quietly, finally releasing his hair.

He twisted very slightly to look up at her, thankfully the black dots that had been plaguing his vision early were gone.

His voice was hoarse and sore when he spoke, “this is the boys’ restroom.”

She huffed at that, “obviously.”

“What are you doing in here?” he muttered, rubbing at his throat.

“Taking care of you,” she replied without missing a beat. “You looked like you were about to faint.”

_Why does everyone keep saying that?_

“I’m fine,” he whispered. “Just something I ate.”

Sora very deliberately made a point of leaning forward to peer into the perfectly clear water of the toilet bowl. She didn’t have to say anything.

“Please just go.”

“Yamato-kun—”

“Before I get expelled for having a girl in here, Sora.”

She sighed and rose from her crouch, slipping out of the stall and smoothing out her skirt as she stepped out of the large stall and into the bathroom proper.

There was a strangled yelp from near the urinals.

Sora squeaked in surprise, stammered out an apology and Yamato heard her shoes slapping hard against the tile floor as she fled the bathroom at speed.

_I just have to make it to fourth period for the math test and then I can leave._

Yamato climbed to his feet, grabbing some toilet paper to wipe his face and mop up the sweat on his face and neck. His hair was still damp, hanging more limply than normal around his shoulders, but there wasn’t much he could do about that.

He finally slipped into the main bathroom and froze.

Jou was at the sink.

It was Jou who had yelped when Sora had stepped out of the stall.

It was Jou who had likely heard him heaving for the last five minutes.

It was Jou. Jou who had written him off as a joke.

“Yamato,” Jou stated, eyebrows shooting up into his hairline.

Yamato moved zombie-like towards the sink.

Jou glanced at the stall he’d exited from and his expression faded from surprise to concern.

“That was you… shit. Are you alright? Do you want me to take you to the nurse?”

Yamato shook his head, keeping his gaze down as he clumsily began washing his hands.

His reflection in the mirror was not a flattering one. He was white as a sheet and his lips were as dry as paper and starting to crack. There was still a sheen of sweat over his face and his eyelids were so red and puffy he looked like he’d been crying.

_Was I crying?_

And he’d been retching so violently he’d burst a blood vessel in his left eye.

“You really don’t look well,” Jou stated quietly, frowning.

“M’fine,” he muttered, leaning down to splash water on his face.

“You look like you’re about to collapse,” Jou argued, coming around the sink to stand beside him.

“I’m not,” he replied quietly.

“Yamato,” Jou put his hand on his shoulder and leaned closer to look down at him properly. Yamato was the tallest boy in his year and Jou still dwarfed him. “I’m not Taichi or Takeru, you don’t have to act tough for my benefit.”

“Don’t,” he quickly shrugged his hand off, “I’m fine.”

He stepped around Jou to grab a paper towel to dry his face and hands. Jou caught his wrist just as he was tossing it in the trash.

“Let me take you to the nurse, just to make sure you’ve not coming down wit—”

Yamato immediately yanked his arm out of Jou’s grip, breath catching in his throat.

“I was just trying to h—”

“D-don't,” he snapped, voice like sandpaper. “Just drop it.”

Jou nodded quickly, “right. Sorry.”

Yamato flinched and dropped his gaze, crossing his arms tightly over his chest.

_I can’t do anything right._

“Yamato—”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to snap,” he replied in a quick burst of words. “I’ll see you in class.”

He didn’t stop to wait for Jou to reply. He simply fled from the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 21st anniversary of Adventure everyone!


	7. Override Required

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jou is starting to figure things out, but it's not exactly a pleasant prospect.
> 
> In which Jou has a one-track mind, literally, on a loop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one is a little bit of a shorter chapter. But friends... this is also the third version of this chapter. This one gave me so much trouble and I don't even know why!
> 
> I've also gone back and made a few dialogue tweaks in earlier chapters to help with consistency.

Yamato, as was the norm recently, wasn’t in the cafeteria.

Jou hadn’t really expected him to be, not after their interaction in the bathroom.

_He seemed so upset. Why did I keep pushing?_

It was a bad habit he had developed in the digital world. It was the pressure of being the oldest, compounded by being told by the powers than be that his entire worth was based entirely on his ability to be reliable and responsible for his younger friends.

No pressure.

He’d been forced to learn to prioritize his friends’ well-being over their comfort, or his own. It was what had led to him leaving and hunting down Yamato in the digital world, determined to save him from himself.

And Yamato hadn’t needed him then. He’d quietly accepted his harmonica and said not a single word about where he’d been or what he’d seen, or even how he’d lost it in the first place. And he still hadn’t, to the best of Jou’s knowledge.

_But does he need me now? Or should I just leave him alone?_

He frowned and slipped out of the cafeteria before any of his friends could spot him and try to stop him.

_I keep saying the wrong things, what if I just make it worse?_

He frowned, curling his fingers more tightly in the fabric around his bento as he walked. His stomach was growling. He’d skipped breakfast this morning in order to get in an extra half hour of studying in before today’s math exam. As it turned out that had been an error in judgement. His stomach had been protesting his decision all morning.

_I have_ no _idea how Yamato does it._

Yamato’s wrist had felt so thin in his hand, even through the thick, sturdy fabric of his blazer. And he’d jerked his arm away so quickly, like he’d been burned.

Jou picked up his pace, marching more determinedly towards the music wing.

The expression on his face must have been grim because several first and second year students darted out of his path and immediately began shooting him furtive glances and whispering behind their hands.

_I’ve made such a mess of this that other people are feeling the effects now. Why’d I have to be such a loser about everything?_

Jou slipped around the corner into the music hallway. There were far less students here, though he could hear the faint cacophony of the light music club in the big orchestra room at the end of the hall. He knew there was a smaller room though, that Yamato and his bandmates occasionally liked to take over for lunch practices. He’d been invited to listen once or twice.

_I hate how awkward this is all becoming. Why did I have to just stand there, gaping at him like a dead fish. Why didn’t I just say yes?_

Jou froze, his arm half raised to knock on the door.

_Why didn’t I just say yes?_

Thursday night replayed itself on fast-forward in Jou’s mind.

Yamato very kindly offering to help him study. Yamato gently dragging him away for a much-needed break. Yamato patiently tutoring him for hours, and then offering to help him again the next day.

_Why didn’t I just say yes?_

Jou had scoffed at him, teased him that Friday nights were only for dates.

And then Yamato had asked him on one, stuttering and blushing.

And Jou had said nothing. _Nothing._

_Why didn’t I just say yes?_

And Yamato had left then, quiet as a mouse and obviously upset.

_Why didn’t I just say yes?_

Gods, and then Jou had treated the entire situation like a misunderstanding and a joke. Open mouth insert foot. Yamato had looked absolutely destroyed for just a few seconds and Jou hadn’t been able to do anything to fix it.

_Why didn’t I just say yes?_

He was still standing in front of the door, arm raised and about to knock when the door swung open. It was Koji, all buzzed hair, broad-shoulders and terrifying arms from a truly frightening amount of drumming.

Jou could see Yamato at the back of the room. He had his bass in his lap, but he wasn’t playing, he was just slumped down in his chair and sipping at a bottle of water.

“Jou-kun,” Koji greeted him pleasantly, smiling. “Come in, we’re just about to get st—”

Jou abruptly thrust his fabric-wrapped bento at Koji and darted away.

_Why didn’t I just say yes?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why didn't he just say yes?


	8. Course Correction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jou struggles with himself and Mimi is a good person and a good friend.

_Why didn’t I just say yes?_

Jou was incapable of focusing on anything else at the moment.

Distantly he was aware that he must still look quite grim – or maybe just ill – as other students were still very deliberately getting out of his way as he hurried down the hallway. He could hear his blood rushing through his ears like highway traffic, and the pulse in his throat was so strong he was afraid the artery might just burst.

_Is my heart supposed to be beating this hard?_

_Why did I give away my lunch?_

Jou’s stomach grumbled at just that moment to chastise him and he groaned miserably as he climbed the stairs up to the third floor where his next class was. Logically, he could have gone to the cafeteria and bought food for himself. But there would be no avoiding the others if he opted for that, and Mimi was already capable of reading him like a book and that was absolutely something he didn’t need at this moment.

The classroom was thankfully deserted and Jou slumped gratefully down into his seat, crossed his arms over his desk, and buried his face in them.

_What is wrong with me? Why didn’t I say yes?_

Jou huffed out a sigh of annoyance and tugged out a notebook and a pen. These questions were going to make an absolute mess of his mind and his life if he didn’t manage to answer them.

_Why didn’t I say yes?_

He tapped his pen thoughtfully against the top of a blank page for a moment.

**~~Thought he’d rather be out on date night.~~ **

**~~Embarrassing to need help studying like this~~ **

That was _true_ , but it wasn’t the real question. It wasn’t the question that was taking up all of his attention. It wasn’t the question that had flipped their friendship upside down. It wasn’t the question that had made the past few days so awkward and painful.

_Why didn’t I say yes?_

**~~Thought it was a joke.~~ **

**~~He’s my best friend.~~ **

**He’s a boy.**

Jou scowled down at his notebook, frustrated.

“Jou-kun?”

Jou, much to his embarrassment, managed to topple right out of his chair and land in a gangling pile of limbs on the floor.

“Jou!”

Mimi was there so quickly that Jou wouldn’t have been surprised to learn that she had somehow developed the ability to teleport. She quickly managed to get him settled in his chair again, frowning down at him in concern.

Jou quickly grabbed his notebook and clutched it to his chest, staring at her in wide-eyed horror and hoping that she hadn’t managed to see anything.

“Are you alright?” she asked gently.

“What are you doing here?” he asked instead, heart racing.

“You weren’t at lunch,” she replied quietly. “And you never miss it, you’re too organized for that. And I saw you poke your head in and disappear. And then a few minutes later I saw you rushing down the hallway like you’d seen a ghost. Are you alright?”

Jou hesitated to answer.

“Jou-kun?”

He frowned, trying to think of what he could possibly say to her.

_The truth certainly isn’t an option._

“I’m fine,” he managed to force out, not even stuttering for once.

Mimi hopped up to sit on his desk. “You’re lying. I thought we were friends.”

Jou just crumpled in his seat, biting his lip as he considered one of his closest friends. He opened his mouth to reply but didn’t manage to do anything but whimper.

_What am I supposed to say?_

“Did someone hurt you?” she asked carefully as she leaned forward, brow furrowed with obvious concern.

“No,” he gasped, “No, not at all.”

“Then what–”

Jou let out a wet sounding hiccough.

“Jou?!”

“My beat friend asked me on a d-date,” he gasped in a strangled rush of breath, “And I was so awful!”

Mimi gawped at him.

“I’m s-supposed to want to say n-no but I didn’t say _anything,_ and I was s-so mean and I don’t want to be mean! But I was!”

“Jou, I’m sure you can—”

“And we’re not even t-talking now! I think… I think because I was so _stupid_!” he wailed.

Mimi paused, “wait… your best friend? You mean… Ya—”

Jou looked up at her, eyes already starting to spill over, “and I just realized that I wanted to say _yes_.”

“Jou-kun—”

“I’m such a freak!”

“Breathe, Jou.”

“But I shouldn’t want to say yes, Mimi!” he wailed again, “It’s not… It’s not... n-normal.”

Mimi slid gracefully off of the desk and pulled Jou into a fierce hug, clutching him as close to herself as she could.

“Why do I w-want to say y-yes?” he whispered, voice further muffled by her blazer.

“Because you like him,” Mimi replied simply, not loosening her grip on him in the slightest. “Because you’re best friends. Because there’s no one you know better, and there’s no one who knows you better.”

“B-but—”

“it’s _okay_ , Jou-kun.”

“I c-cant, it’s… Mimi, I—”

“You _can_ ,” she stated firmly. “If you want to say yes, then you should say yes. For both of your sakes.”

“Really?”

Mimi nodded, slowly releasing him, “really.”

Jou let out a particularly shaky breath as he straightened up in his seat. He managed a faint smile for Mimi.

“You should go and clean yourself up,” she chirped. “You’ll feel better.”

He nodded and climbed clumsily to his feet. He might be feeling better, but adrenaline wasn’t done with him yet and he was still pale and jittery. He shuddered a little and headed for the exit.

“Hey, Jou-kun,” Mimi piped up, just as he was about to leave the room. “Is this why you would never let me set you up with—”

Jou turned to glare at her.

“I still like girls, Mimi,” he stated quietly, but firmly.

She giggled and held her hands up in a placating gesture.

“I just… like him too. I guess,” he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cried a little bit writing this.


End file.
